Hannibal's house, Wednesday evening

[sharp_as_knives]

Will's trial date was getting closer, and Hannibal had a lot on his mind. But never let it be said he didn't have time to cook for a troubled friend. And if Raven were going to keep her promise and speak to him about the things that were bothering her, the least he could do was ensure it began over a decent meal.

So, dinner was finishing up, and now he was only waiting for the guest of honor.

Dinner:
sugar-snap pea and cheese curd salad
butternut squash cappellacci with sage brown butter
stuffed mushrooms
roasted asaparagus
2001 Domaine Weinbach Gewurztraminer Furstentum Quintessence de Grains Nobles

Dessert:
chocolate cheesecake mousse cups with sweet berry compote
2001 Kruger-Rumpf Münsterer Pittersberg Riesling Eiswein


[OOC: Open for phone calls, etc.; expecting one!]

Comments

[sharp_as_knives]

"And yet you haven't," Hannibal pointed out. "Why not?" There still was no judgement there.

[trigons_child]

She drew in a deep breath and let it out. "I have been strong enough to prevent my demon side from getting the best of me," she said. "So far. But I have seen too many futures where I have lost that battle. I do not want to believe that I will fail, though that seems unrealistic to me now. I am not giving up, I would never willingly allow myself to succumb to my darker nature, but it feels so...hopeless."

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal eyed her speculatively for a moment. "Do you see your 'demon side' as a part of you? As some part of who you are?"

[trigons_child]

Raven nodded. "It is," she said. "I used to like to think that it was some separate entity just waiting to take control, but I know that it is not true. It is part of me. It is what I am."

[sharp_as_knives]

"That's very good. It can be difficult to accept parts of ourselves that make us uncomfortable, but you will never control anything you don't believe is your own. You still see a divide there - your 'darker nature', your demon side. Good and bad, it is all Raven."

Hannibal smiled at her. "You should no more let your human nature eliminate your demon than the other way around. You wouldn't be the same person."

[trigons_child]

"If I could rid myself of it I would," Raven said. "But my gifts come from my demon blood, and that would mean I would no longer be able to heal, and I find that thought disturbing. Would my friends be safer if I could no longer harm them, but at the same time be unable to heal them?"

It was a moot point anyway; there was no way to strip her demon blood away. At least none that she'd survive, as far as she knew.

"I have hurt my friends before," she said softly. Even before all this had begun she'd still had nightmares about what she'd done to all of them in New York. "I do not ever want to do so again."

[sharp_as_knives]

"If your gifts come from your heritage," Hannibal answered, "why do you still see it as unremittingly bad?"

[trigons_child]

"My father is evil personified," Raven said. "He knows nothing of love or compassion. He destroyed entire planets if just one person defied him. And my brothers are the same. They have embraced their heritage. Only I have resisted."

[sharp_as_knives]

"I know of many humans who have done terrible things as well. Some might very well have destroyed the entire planet if they had the ability. Will you let them define you?"

[trigons_child]

Raven frowned and shook her head, on the verge of tears. "No, but...the things I imagine, the things I want to do...that makes me a horrible person. Good people do not have thoughts like that."

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal just chuckled. "Whatever gave you that impression?" He put his free hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

[trigons_child]

Raven was shaking now, struggling to reconcile the person she wanted to be with the images that haunted her mind. "I know there are people who struggle with memories of awful things they have done in the past," she said. "But they do not look upon their friends and want to do them harm. I love Jono, and Karla is like a sister -- more than a sister. And Professor Skywalker has been as a father to me. Why would I have such evil thoughts about them, and all my friends, if I am not a bad person?"

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal might very much like to do things to Professor Skywalker, come to that, but that was beside the point. For now. He reached out to put an arm around Raven if she wanted.

"It isn't uncommon to have violent thoughts toward those you care about. After all, they are the ones you know best how to hurt, and vice versa. You simply need to acknowledge the thoughts; accept them. Admit the attraction, even. Then remember all the reasons not to carry them out. Treat it as a conscious choice, rather than a battle." He rubbed her shoulder. "Like being vegetarian."

[trigons_child]

No eating Anakin, Hannibal. It would make Raven angry, and you wouldn't like her when she's angry.

Raven took a few deep breaths to try to stop her shaking. "I was raised to be a vegetarian. It is the only law of Azarath I have not broken." she murmured.

She leaned against Hannibal and wiped her eyes with her free hand. "It...it is not uncommon?" she said, more than a little skeptical. "Do you have such thoughts?"

[sharp_as_knives]

"I do," Hannibal admitted, hiding his smile. "Friends and loved ones can be rather frustrating at times, can't they? Some people think of running away, leaving everything behind. Others of burning things to the ground. The details and persistence vary, but the thoughts themselves are quite common."

He probably wouldn't bother eating Anakin. Not if he could do something else horrid to him.

[trigons_child]

"I have sensed frustration and anger in many others, but never so dark as what I feel, not unless it was unnaturally induced," Raven said slowly. "Are you certain it is normal? How are you supposed to deal with such thoughts? I just want them to stop."

[sharp_as_knives]

"Perhaps you don't feel others' as strongly as your own?" Hannibal suggested. "Or perhaps you do feel them more deeply. It could be due to your heritage, or it could be due to your training." He shook his head. "I've never met anyone who was denied emotions for so long."

He kept his voice low and soothing. "When somebody attempts to repress their feelings, it never ends well. It's like...a bottle of champagne. If you remove the cork properly, you get only a slight pop. If you keep it closed and agitate it until it can no longer contain the pressure, it can be explosive."

[trigons_child]

Raven nodded. "I know that much is true," she said, remembering her near-hysterical confrontation with Karla before she'd officially formed her Court. "I have held in anger and sorrow, and it proved itself to be very unhealthy."

She felt the doubt creeping in, and even some embarrassment. Was she over-reacting to this? Was it really perfectly normal, strange as it seemed? "I do still have much to learn about emotions," she admitted. "I did not have the years of development that others have. I react too strongly or poorly at times. I confused love and lust once. I did not understand the difference at that time."

[sharp_as_knives]

"And that, as I believe I've mentioned, is something even people who have always known their emotions can struggle with," Hannibal answered with a smile.

"No human - and I would venture to say no sentient being - can deny their emotions forever. If you strive for that, then yes, you are doomed to failure. You must learn to accept them, accept yourself. Then I believe the rest will become easier."

Whichever "rest" she wanted then.

[trigons_child]

"Once I allowed myself to start experiencing my own emotions, I knew I could not go back to how I was," Raven said. "Friendship and love were too precious to turn my back upon. And even when I was not supposed to have emotions, I did, no matter how hard I tried to suppress them. I feared my father, and I had compassion for those who needed healing. But I do not know how I can accept the darker side of me, this anger and lust and desire to do harm."

She shook her head with a little sigh. "You have never seen me when I am like that. It is not something I would ever want you to see."

[sharp_as_knives]

"I will take your word for that," Hannibal answered gently. "As to accepting it - I would advise you not to think of it as a darker side. Love can be destructive. Anger can be a good thing. No one emotion is inherently good or bad."

[trigons_child]

"That is true," Raven agreed. "But, please, show me how am I to think of it otherwise. I love the family I have made in Fandom the way they are. I do not want to force you all into the aspects of sin my brothers represent, as I do in my dreams. It frightens me so much, and I want them to stop."

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal shook his head. "You give me too much credit if you believe I can cure nightmares in one hour. I could offer you medication, but you would know better than I if it would work. I do know some therapies that may help, though. If you're interested."

[trigons_child]

She had to struggle with Pride for a moment, but Raven nodded. "I am," she said slowly. "I am interested."

[sharp_as_knives]

"Well," Hannibal answered, "one is to ensure you are adequately exercised, healthy, and - among other things - fed." He smiled. "If you're feeling up to it, why don't we finish dinner while I tell you of the others?"