Hannibal's house, Wednesday evening

[sharp_as_knives]

Will's trial date was getting closer, and Hannibal had a lot on his mind. But never let it be said he didn't have time to cook for a troubled friend. And if Raven were going to keep her promise and speak to him about the things that were bothering her, the least he could do was ensure it began over a decent meal.

So, dinner was finishing up, and now he was only waiting for the guest of honor.

Dinner:
sugar-snap pea and cheese curd salad
butternut squash cappellacci with sage brown butter
stuffed mushrooms
roasted asaparagus
2001 Domaine Weinbach Gewurztraminer Furstentum Quintessence de Grains Nobles

Dessert:
chocolate cheesecake mousse cups with sweet berry compote
2001 Kruger-Rumpf Münsterer Pittersberg Riesling Eiswein


[OOC: Open for phone calls, etc.; expecting one!]

Comments

[trigons_child]

"Of course not," Raven said, managing a smile. "It is only natural to have pride. But an excess can be dangerous. The same is true of the others as well. I sought to deny myself them entirely, but that did not help."

Her smile faded as she went on. "After Glacia was turned into an alternate world, I realized it was pointless to continue on that path. I know that I will become evil and turn on my friends. I have seen far too many futures where this happens. It is inevitable."

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal nodded. "I tend to think that nothing is inevitable, but it is true that some paths are much more likely to lead to a certain conclusion. What you need is a different path." He cocked his head at her. "Have you ever heard the phrase, 'everything in moderation'?"

[trigons_child]

"I have," Raven said. "But my demon side is all about excess. All my emotions are so powerful. Love, hate, loyalty, sorrow.... Perhaps it is because I did not learn to feel until I came to Fandom. While others have emotions all their lives, it has been only about six years for me."

[sharp_as_knives]

"They do become easier to handle over time," Hannibal agreed.

"Although your demon side may be 'all about excess', it is not the only side you have," he pointed out. "Besides." He chuckled. "Everything in moderation, includes moderation. A little excess from time to time doesn't have to be a bad thing."

He squeezed her hand. "The important thing is that you are the one in control. You determine how to act upon your feelings, rather than allow them to dictate those actions."

[trigons_child]

Regret flickered across Raven's face. "I do act upon my feelings too swiftly sometimes," she admitted. Too often.

"But I am trying to be better about it," she said. "Right now my every instinct is to flee from my friends, and go far far away to protect them. I have done that before in the past. I fled Azarath to protect it, though that was in vain. And when I felt my father's power reaching out for me, I tried to leave Fandom out of fear of what I would do."

What Jono had said about her always running away still stung, though she knew it was true, even though the words were born of an unnatural anger. "I want to run now, but I have not," she said. "The dreams I have been having now are so dark and terrifying. I cannot allow them to come true."

Spending so many weeks as her evil future self had shattered her confidence in herself, that she could control the dark side of her. The future seemed to hold nothing but blood and death now.

[sharp_as_knives]

But blood and death could be beautiful, too!

"Tell me about these dreams. What makes them so frightening?"

[trigons_child]

Demon!Raven might agree with Hannibal on that.

"My dreams are sometimes prophetic," Raven said. "I dreamt that I would cause Azarath's destruction, and it came to pass. I dreamt that my father would claim me and use my powers to enslave the Earth, and he did. And now, for weeks, anytime I sleep I dream that I have let my demon side free, and I do terrible things to all those I care about. I torture them for no reason other than to feed upon their suffering. Sometimes I give them the powers of my brothers to bind them to me."

She hesitated a moment, then added, "I have even done that to you. And the worst part is, I enjoy it so very much. All their pain and despair is like the finest wine I have ever tasted."

She could feel the cravings in her now, the hunger yearning to be satisfied.

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal looked thoughtful for a moment. "Dreams are most often our subconscious's way of presenting us with our hopes or our fears. They needn't be any more prophetic than that: some of the things that you fear may come true. Whether they do or not is entirely up to you."

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you wish to do such things to me now?" No judgement here, just curiosity.

[trigons_child]

Raven bowed her head again, her cheeks turning red with shame. "Yes," she whispered. "Such thoughts fill my mind constantly. I look upon my friends, and some dark part of me wants to hurt them. It happened from time to time in the past, but in recent weeks, it has grown more frequent."

Which was why she'd been working so hard to make herself forget with a decidedly more decadent lifestyle as of late.

[sharp_as_knives]

"And yet you haven't," Hannibal pointed out. "Why not?" There still was no judgement there.

[trigons_child]

She drew in a deep breath and let it out. "I have been strong enough to prevent my demon side from getting the best of me," she said. "So far. But I have seen too many futures where I have lost that battle. I do not want to believe that I will fail, though that seems unrealistic to me now. I am not giving up, I would never willingly allow myself to succumb to my darker nature, but it feels so...hopeless."

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal eyed her speculatively for a moment. "Do you see your 'demon side' as a part of you? As some part of who you are?"

[trigons_child]

Raven nodded. "It is," she said. "I used to like to think that it was some separate entity just waiting to take control, but I know that it is not true. It is part of me. It is what I am."

[sharp_as_knives]

"That's very good. It can be difficult to accept parts of ourselves that make us uncomfortable, but you will never control anything you don't believe is your own. You still see a divide there - your 'darker nature', your demon side. Good and bad, it is all Raven."

Hannibal smiled at her. "You should no more let your human nature eliminate your demon than the other way around. You wouldn't be the same person."

[trigons_child]

"If I could rid myself of it I would," Raven said. "But my gifts come from my demon blood, and that would mean I would no longer be able to heal, and I find that thought disturbing. Would my friends be safer if I could no longer harm them, but at the same time be unable to heal them?"

It was a moot point anyway; there was no way to strip her demon blood away. At least none that she'd survive, as far as she knew.

"I have hurt my friends before," she said softly. Even before all this had begun she'd still had nightmares about what she'd done to all of them in New York. "I do not ever want to do so again."

[sharp_as_knives]

"If your gifts come from your heritage," Hannibal answered, "why do you still see it as unremittingly bad?"

[trigons_child]

"My father is evil personified," Raven said. "He knows nothing of love or compassion. He destroyed entire planets if just one person defied him. And my brothers are the same. They have embraced their heritage. Only I have resisted."

[sharp_as_knives]

"I know of many humans who have done terrible things as well. Some might very well have destroyed the entire planet if they had the ability. Will you let them define you?"

[trigons_child]

Raven frowned and shook her head, on the verge of tears. "No, but...the things I imagine, the things I want to do...that makes me a horrible person. Good people do not have thoughts like that."

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal just chuckled. "Whatever gave you that impression?" He put his free hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

[trigons_child]

Raven was shaking now, struggling to reconcile the person she wanted to be with the images that haunted her mind. "I know there are people who struggle with memories of awful things they have done in the past," she said. "But they do not look upon their friends and want to do them harm. I love Jono, and Karla is like a sister -- more than a sister. And Professor Skywalker has been as a father to me. Why would I have such evil thoughts about them, and all my friends, if I am not a bad person?"

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal might very much like to do things to Professor Skywalker, come to that, but that was beside the point. For now. He reached out to put an arm around Raven if she wanted.

"It isn't uncommon to have violent thoughts toward those you care about. After all, they are the ones you know best how to hurt, and vice versa. You simply need to acknowledge the thoughts; accept them. Admit the attraction, even. Then remember all the reasons not to carry them out. Treat it as a conscious choice, rather than a battle." He rubbed her shoulder. "Like being vegetarian."

[trigons_child]

No eating Anakin, Hannibal. It would make Raven angry, and you wouldn't like her when she's angry.

Raven took a few deep breaths to try to stop her shaking. "I was raised to be a vegetarian. It is the only law of Azarath I have not broken." she murmured.

She leaned against Hannibal and wiped her eyes with her free hand. "It...it is not uncommon?" she said, more than a little skeptical. "Do you have such thoughts?"

[sharp_as_knives]

"I do," Hannibal admitted, hiding his smile. "Friends and loved ones can be rather frustrating at times, can't they? Some people think of running away, leaving everything behind. Others of burning things to the ground. The details and persistence vary, but the thoughts themselves are quite common."

He probably wouldn't bother eating Anakin. Not if he could do something else horrid to him.

[trigons_child]

"I have sensed frustration and anger in many others, but never so dark as what I feel, not unless it was unnaturally induced," Raven said slowly. "Are you certain it is normal? How are you supposed to deal with such thoughts? I just want them to stop."