Hannibal's house (where Jono isn't being lied to today), Friday

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal hadn't noticed anything different yet today himself. He'd heard the radio, which had made him cautious, but it wasn't as though he made a habit of lying to the cats, or even to Jono these days.

So, he was staying inside for the moment and working on new wedding preparations. It wasn't as though things could go bad that way, after all.



[OOC: Open post!]

Comments

[uncertain_dume]

"I'm guessing it's a difficult hurdle to get one's mind around?" Kanan gave Hannibal a wry smile. "I wouldn't have been opposed to seeking it out in another lifetime, maybe. The Jedi do place a fair bit of importance of the health of the spirit and the mind as well as the body."

And then he took another drink of coffee. Because he wasn't about to start talking about Master Billaba's own state of mind when she'd taken him on as her Padawan. Not if he could help it.

[sharp_as_knives]

"Well," Hannibal said, "I excel at casual conversations as a form of analysis, as well as the more formal sort. And I'm always willing to talk, and to ply you with good food and drink. Casually or with a goal in mind."

[uncertain_dume]

Well, that got a raised eyebrow. Consider Kanan curious, now.

"And what sort of goal would you have in mind if you were to ply me with good food and drink?"

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal raised an eyebrow. "The goal of making you more comfortable with yourself, and better able to realize your potential. I loathe the thought of anybody feeling ill at ease with themselves."

[uncertain_dume]

"Fair enough," Kanan replied, giving Hannibal a wry smile. And he could have left it at that, but of course he felt compelled to add, "I have to apologize. I know you're better than that, but it's a knee-jerk reaction to assume the worst of people, especially if those people might already know too much. I have trust issues to the point where I lie about every facet of myself right down to my name, it's going to take some work before I can hear about somebody's 'goals' and not immediately become suspicious."

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal smiled. And definitely filed that remark aside for later. "No apology necessary, although it's appreciated for the sake of politeness. It's good to be cautious. I myself plan for every contingency I can conceive of, and do my best to learn everything and assume nothing, the better to think on my feet."

He shrugged. "Given your history and your need for secrecy, I would worry for you if you weren't suspicious."

He pointedly didn't ask about his name.

[uncertain_dume]

Good move, Hannibal. Asking for it now probably would have ended poorly.

"After every other precaution I've taken," Kanan snorted. "Yeah, not being suspicious after all of the rest of it would prove some kind of critical error in my common sense."

[sharp_as_knives]

"You might be surprised how many otherwise sensible and cautious people are far too trusting," Hannibal said, just managing to keep from saying he rather counted on that.

[uncertain_dume]

"Not all that surprised," Kanan pointed out. "The most sensible and cautious people I've ever known were all betrayed and murdered by people we trusted the most."

So. You know.

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal leaned forward with a serious but calm look. "Do you mind telling me what happened? You've mentioned parts of it before, but not the entire story."

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan's mouth fell open a little, and he pulled in a breath before making a reach for the cognac. Not the coffee. The cognac. He needed to top up his mug.

"The details as I experienced them? Or the... whole... bigger picture?"

Either way, he was going to need this drink.

[sharp_as_knives]

"I imagine the two are well intertwined," Hannibal answered. "You don't need to say anything; I'll be somewhat disappointed if you don't, but I will understand. However, I would like to know, and perhaps it will help you to tell someone while you can."

[uncertain_dume]

"Of course they're intertwined," Kanan muttered, downing the contents of his glass. Maybe he'd talk. If he did, he wasn't going to be talking sober. "I don't just talk about this, though. I haven't talked about what happened that day with anyone. It's ugly. It was war, and then it was slaughter."

[sharp_as_knives]

"War is always ugly," Hannibal said, "particularly for children. It is violent and random and often incomprehensible."

He poured himself some more coffee and offered it to Kanan. "When terrible things happen, it's important to take time to properly think of them, allow them to take what place they need in your mind, to learn what you can and to keep them in their place. Being unable to speak of them, or even to take the time that you needed in safety to think of them, has undoubtedly only made them even more terrible."

[uncertain_dume]

"I've had eight years," Kanan noted. "A lot of that time was spent alone, piloting my own ship or hitching rides on freighters, thinking about what went wrong and all the ways it could have gone differently. Wondering if there was anybody left out there at all. Thinking about the six dozen ways I could have gotten myself killed, but at least Master Billaba might have escaped instead."

Deep breath. Slow exhale. Reach for the coffee. Bite his tongue. He didn't want to talk about that. He very much didn't.

[sharp_as_knives]

"That's perfectly natural," Hannibal assured him, "but not at all what I mean. Have you ever taken the time to review what actually happened? Not what you might have done differently, or how you wish it might have gone, but simply a review of the events, acknowledging your feelings toward them?"

[uncertain_dume]

Kanan's jaw clenched, and he stopped himself from immediately speaking by taking another mouthful of coffee. He was going to be drunk and jittery for hours, at this rate. He swallowed. Squeezed his eyes shut tightly. And then he spoke.

"The Jedi teach that there is no emotion, there is peace."

Which sidestepped the question entirely. It wasn't a lie, but that didn't mean it at all applied to the question that Hannibal was asking him.

[sharp_as_knives]

That got Kanan a raised eyebrow and an incredulous look. "I would normally soften this by saying that I'm terribly sorry, but the fact is that that is one of the most blatant falsehoods I have ever heard. Human beings - and every other sentient species I have met, with very occasional individual exceptions - all feel emotions. Peace may certainly be one of them, but only one. And repression never leads to anything good."

[uncertain_dume]

The corner of Kanan's mouth twitched, something approaching a smile again.

"It's a guideline," he said, shrugging. "Being overwhelmed with emotion can lead to fear and anger, both of which are influences that can cause a Jedi to fall to the dark side of the Force. The rest of the code puts that part into perspective a bit better, perhaps. Otherwise, saying something like 'there is no ignorance, there is knowledge,' would definitely make people squint."

Kanan had met more than his fair share of ignorant people over the years, after all.

[sharp_as_knives]

So had Hannibal. He'd eaten a few.

"Letting your emotions overwhelm you and direct your actions can definitely be counterproductive," Hannibal allowed. "But feeling them is a part of life." He smirked a little himself. "Being afraid of falling keeps you away from ledges. It's only when it keeps you from enjoying the view that it's a problem."

Nor was he going to forget their original discussion. Sorry, Kanan. "If you never confront what happened and allow yourself to fully feel the emotions connected to it, they will continue to blindside you and to drive your actions, if only by fear of them."

[uncertain_dume]

"I let myself feel what I could afford to feel," Kanan sighed, finally. "I was a kid, I was scared and alone. I had plenty of time to remember exactly how it felt when they murdered Master Billaba and I kept on running. I wasn't a terribly great Jedi at the time. I cried. I tried to figure out who I should blame... who I should hate for what happened."

He was looking resolutely down into his coffee, now, refusing to make eye contact.

"I found it in me to hate a lot of people."

[sharp_as_knives]

"What did you decide upon in the end?" Hannibal asked.

[uncertain_dume]

"I decided that I had more important things to worry about," Kanan replied. "That I could sit and yell at the person I used to be, and resent the people who never came back, and none of it would change anything. Nobody was going to come back. I saw to it that the clones who killed my Master were dead," and that came out a little more blunt than he would have liked, "and then I disappeared."

[sharp_as_knives]

"That's a good start," Hannibal said. "What about the things you couldn't afford to feel?" He spread his hands. "Here, if only for a while, you have the luxury of safety and time."

[uncertain_dume]

"I... I don't... know what to do with those things," Kanan said, frowning. "I haven't had either in so long. I don't trust them. And the more people insist that I have both, the more I think they're trying to sell something. The more I want to run."

Running, he trusted.