Office Hours, Wednesday afternoon

[sharp_as_knives]

At least one student had requested they speak, and after the past few weeks, Hannibal wondered if there might be more as well.

So, he was in his office, soothing classical music playing and spiced tea brewing, reading his tablet and waiting.


[OOC: Waiting for one, but open to others, though not at the same time! Eleanor's thread is content-NFB, please, and also TRIGGER WARNING for discussion of suicide.]

Comments

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

It was a bit like sauntering into the lions' den, just ... walking into a psychiatrist's office. But this week was full of the unexpected, and it might help Celia.

It was the latter mostly that kept her from canceling the appointment and heading in to work. Groovy Tunes could function without her for a few hours. Hopefully Professor Jono wouldn't be too angry.

Eleanor rapped nervously on the door, wondering if this was really such a good idea after all. Probably not.

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal got up and opened the door, then smiled at her. "Eleanor. Please, come in." He held the door politely.

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

Him being polite didn't help. Her mother was impeccably polite; it was part of how she manipulated people. No one expected the devil to wear dapper shoes and inquire about your mother's health.

"I really shouldn't be troubling you about this," she said, trying not to fidget as she took a seat. "It's nothing, really. And you're ... I'm not even your student, properly. At the school, I mean."

[sharp_as_knives]

"You are, however, a student," Hannibal pointed out. "And it's no trouble. "Would you care for some tea? It's black with some spices." He quirked a tiny smile at her. "And I'm perfectly willing to drink it first, if you like."

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

Eleanor actually laughed, at that.

"I would like some, thank you," she said. "And if you've secretly lured me here to poison me, you may be disappointed. I've got a stronger tolerance than most people."

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal chuckled. "I would never do that to food, in any event." He brought out the teapot and poured them each a cup. "I would, however, be willing to eat or drink my own food if would help to put someone at their ease. Or any other time, come to that."

He set milk and sugar nearby. "Do you take anything in yours, or would you prefer to prepare it yourself?"

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

"Is food sacred, then?" she asked. "I suppose it would be an insult to good tea, to lace it with cyanide."

You'd think the taste would be rather a giveaway, as well.

"Just milk, please and thank you," she added. "I ... know that I've disparaged your profession in the past, but ... there may be a small matter that you could help me on. At least, for which I could use your expertise."

[sharp_as_knives]

"Precisely." He talked as he added a bit of milk to hers, stirred it, and passed her the cup. "Food should be a delight and a work of art. The taste of most poisons precludes them." He smiled as he made his own cup. "Not to mention that I like to taste my work as I prepare it, and I rather enjoy living."

He sat in the chair next to hers. "You haven't disparaged psychiatry, only psychiatrists," he pointed out. "And I can't say I have a very high opinion of many of them myself." If for radically different reasons than she did. He waved one hand. "My expertise is at your disposal."

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

The warmth of the mug helped to center her, and so did the smell of tea. She took a generous mouthful and nodded her approval before speaking.

"I should really only disparage one psychiatrist," she said, "but I don't know how representative she was of their methods. I oughtn't assume, but I'm left with rather a bad impression of psychiatrists and medical doctors both."

Egregious, unethical experimentation tended to have that effect.

As for the rest ... she set the cup down on the chair's arm rest, and directed her eyes at him.

"I want to know about suicide."

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal's eyebrows went up at that. "I assume you aren't looking for pointers. Were you interested in its psychological effects on survivors? Or the common precursors?"

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

"It ... seems like the effects seem largely to be guilt and self-blame," Eleanor said, a touch bitterly. "The precursors, though. I want to know ... I want to understand why. Who could do that to someone? Abandon them like that. Didn't she know that --"

Eleanor cleared her throat, realizing she was getting far too personal. "I mean. Anyone committing suicide, wouldn't they know that the survivors would blame themselves?"

[sharp_as_knives]

"Many who commit suicide are focused on their own difficulties; sometimes they are unable to think beyond them," Hannibal noted. "Some believe, correctly or incorrectly, that the benefits to their death - for themselves or those they leave behind - outweigh such concerns.

"And there are those who will attempt the act precisely to cause guilt and grief. More often, they don't intend to succeed, but they may anyway."

He sipped his tea and gave Eleanor a wry smile. "There are probably as many reasons for suicide as there are people who attempt it."

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

"What about a young mother?" Eleanor asked. Maybe that was saying too much. She lifted the cup and took a long sip of the tea, forcing herself to think over her words before blurting them out.

Of course, now that she had said it, there was no taking it back.

"What about responsibilities? That is ... take that mother, for example. I doubt a sane person would want to cause that guilt and resentment in a young child. Wouldn't she -- doesn't she realize that her daughter needs her?"

[sharp_as_knives]

"Recent mothers often suffer depression and other symptoms that can lead to suicidal thoughts," Hannibal answered. "If her daughter was very young, postpartum depression may have been a factor."

He sipped his own tea and thought. "It's also likely that responsibilities may have been an incentive rather than a deterrent. If someone feels unworthy or incapable of rising to what is expected of them, they may feel that death is an easier solution. Particularly if she felt her daughter might be better off with somebody better suited. Feelings of inadequacy can be insidious."

So he'd heard, never having experienced them himself.

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

"But did she never --" Eleanor paused, trying to see the world from that mother's eyes instead of being furious on Celia's behalf. "So could someone really think she was doing her child a favor? Wouldn't she ... would it never occur to her that ..."

If Mother were here, she would lecture Eleanor about how imprecisely she was speaking, with all of her fragments tossed about.

Of course, if Mother were here, Eleanor would have much bigger problems than her terrible speech pattersn.

"That that child would blame herself," she said, finally. "Assume she was unloved, abandoned, that she was such a burden that her mother would rather die than raise her."

[sharp_as_knives]

"It's impossible to know for certain without having met the woman," Hannibal answered almost apologetically.

"It may not have occurred to her; she may have thought it obvious that her problems were her own. She may have thought her daughter would feel guilty, yet would be better off despite that. Or she may have wanted her to blame herself."

He set his cup down and folded his hands in his lap, doing his best to look as gentle and harmless as possible. "In trying to judge her motives, you must also consider that, from what you've said, your own maternal upbringing was far from conventional or ideal. Try not to let that color your beliefs about another's experience."

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

Eleanor frowned, her body language stiffening ever so slightly. She set the cup of tea down again and aimed her eyes directly at her professor.

"You're saying, since my mother was cruel, I might be predisposed to see someone else's uncharitably," she said darkly.

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal met her eyes frankly but without animosity. "Yes. Don't you think there's a chance of that?"

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

Eleanor had to give that a few seconds of thought before shaking her head.

"I don't doubt it could happen," she said. "But I'm angry at this woman not because of Mother, but for what she did to Ce -- ... to my friend. I held her as she cried, thinking she was unloved, that she caused her mother to discard her own life. And I'm angry because ..."

She was struggling, now, with the words to explain the odd miasma of feelings in her stomach.

"My mother didn't love me," she said, forcefully. "I know that. I've accepted it. It doesn't hurt me." A convenient lie. "This other girl's mother isn't some monster. She doesn't have that excuse. She's supposed to love her and ..."

It was coming out tangled, no matter what words she used.

[sharp_as_knives]

"It is a fresh hurt for your friend. You have had time to come to terms with your mother's betrayal."

He pondered for a moment. "I was speaking with someone the other day, about a different issue. I told him, monsters are easy to dismiss; people are more complicated. It is possible that this woman failed to love her daughter as she should. It is also entirely possible that she loved her daughter very much, and yet still killed herself."

Hannibal leaned forward. "Unless this woman left a note, or we are - through the vagaries of this island - somehow able to ask her, we may never know her reasons. It was almost certainly not simply your friend - or any one thing - that was the cause of it."