Hannibal's house in the matrix, Thursday evening

[sharp_as_knives]

[Continued from here before we break the post.]

Hannibal had been going for something useful; he just hadn't been able to reach anything else.

He caught the cushion. "Is it? Why the question?"

Comments

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

Damn you, Hannibal, for knowing exactly the questions to ask. Jono's lip curled back a little as he straightened himself up again, squaring his jaw and catching his breath.

Good to have the reminder that being winded was a terrible experience, really.

"Because this conversation is confusing as hell and I'm halfway not certain what we're talking about anymore!"

Okay, no, he was pretty certain he knew what they were talking about. But his head was spinning a little, and he'd much rather be hitting things than talking, now.

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal held the cushion in front of him like a shield and raised an eyebrow in invitation. "Would you be less mad if our captors hadn't healed you?"

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

"Yes!"

And funny how just putting that out in the open didn't make Jono feel any better about this conversation. He stepped forward to take that invitation, taking a swing at that cushion that could've easily cracked somebody's ribs.

"If they hadn't changed my body on me, I would be less angry!"

And another swing for the cushion, just because.

[sharp_as_knives]

"Why is that?" Hannibal braced the cushion a bit better; a stray strike to the ribs would do neither of them good.

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

"Because it isn't-" a punch, "their-" and another, "choice-" one-two, "to make!"

It was his body, damn it! His! And even if what they'd given him was part of what he'd been working toward, they still hadn't asked.

[sharp_as_knives]

"No," Hannibal agreed, "it's yours. And you've known for years that you could do it. So why have you not ever made that decision?"

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

Ah. There it was.

Jono let his hands drop, the fight draining out of him just like that.

"Because..."

Damn you, Hannibal.

"Because I..."

Because he was afraid? Because he was ashamed? Because he didn't deserve it? Because it had been a long, long time since he'd given up on ever being comfortable in his own skin? Because of the person he had been, the last time he wore that face?

Because this was the easiest way he had at his disposal to continue to punish himself for where he had been?

[sharp_as_knives]

All of those, yes.

Hannibal set the cushion down and leaned in. "If this is something you want, you need to move past all of those reasons. You need to let go of them. You associate your face with violence and pain and helplessness, and so long as you do, you will never be whole. Even if you are."

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

Jono found himself swallowing at a lump that was forming in his throat, which seemed to go hand-in-hand with the knot in his chest that was apparently grabbing at his lungs. Nice of it. He leaned back, giving a ragged exhale as he shut his eyes and found a nice little part of Hannibal's neck to bury his face in.

"Sometimes I really hate that you know me that bloody well," he muttered. Just putting that out there.

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal wrapped his arms around Jono and kissed his hair. "Yes, I know." He was even doing his best not to sound too smug about it. "Fortunately it never lasts."

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

"It doesn't," Jono agreed, sighing into Hannibal's embrace. "But I still reserve the right to complain about it for the next... fifteen, twenty minutes."

For the next about-that-long, yes.

"So, how do I go about moving past all that, pray tell?"

[sharp_as_knives]

"For now?" Hannibal shrugged. "Enjoy the face you have, however temporary and illusionary. For the future? Learn to forgive yourself."

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

"And then I'll work on controlling the passage of time with my mind," Jono replied, with a soft huff of a self-deprecating laugh. "Or perhaps the tides. That should be doable."

There were mutants out there who could do either, after all.

[sharp_as_knives]

"This is Fandom," Hannibal replied. "More or less. And you did just admit to wanting your powers. Anything is possible."

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

"I've had a long time to make my peace with my powers," Jono replied, shrugging his shoulders as he leaned away a little. "Took me bloody long enough, I know, but it feels as though I've had my hands cut off. They're me. I can't go on pretending anything less."

[sharp_as_knives]

"So is your body," Hannibal said. "The difference is, when it's cut off, you have the power to restore it."

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

"And so long as my powers hold, I'll continue to have that ability, yes."

That 'so long as they hold' bit was important, granted. Given his life and all.

[sharp_as_knives]

"The two work together nicely, don't you think?"

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

"My powers and my body?" Hannibal got a slightly raised eyebrow. "I suppose so. I didn't have much experience in my right mind with the both of them well and whole at the same time."

[sharp_as_knives]

"Which is a good part of the problem," Hannibal reminded him. "But also something to look forward to."

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

Jonothon fell quiet for a moment, just closing his eyes and pulling in a slow breath.

That, he was going to miss.

"Something to look forward to," he agreed, tiredly.

And if it didn't work out for him, it wasn't like he couldn't go and do something stupid all over again. He was good at that.

[sharp_as_knives]

There would be no more stupid, please. Unless it involved listening to Hannibal.

"For now, let's find out what we can do to get out of here."

[inner-fire.livejournal.com]

Let Hannibal encourage the stupid from now on. Got it.

"For now, let's do that," Jono replied, and then turned to walk back toward the window. "So far, I think the best we've got is, 'don't get killed.'"

That was a piss-poor start, Jon.

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal grinned. "That's a very good start."